


The Pink Rhino Debacle, OR, What Psych Textbooks Never Quite Cover by DehydratedWater

by GO_Library_archivist



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Mild Angst, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-23
Updated: 2010-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 17:59:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/981931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GO_Library_archivist/pseuds/GO_Library_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Crowley coins a mixed metaphor, Adam makes it real, Aziraphale decides to keep it as a pet, and Crowley has a hard time explaining why he dislikes it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pink Rhino Debacle, OR, What Psych Textbooks Never Quite Cover by DehydratedWater

**Author's Note:**

> Note from [Quantum_Witch](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Quantum_Witch/profile): this story was originally archived at [The Good Omens Library](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Good_Omens_Library), which I maintained for eight years until I closed it due to lack of funds and decreased usership. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing the GOL's stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in July 2013. I e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Good Omens Library collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/TheGoodOmensLibrary/profile), or through the [GO_Library_archivist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/GO_Library_archivist/profile) account.

[The Pink Rhino Debacle, OR, What Psych Textbooks Never Quite Cover](viewstory.php?sid=465) by [DehydratedWater](viewuser.php?uid=632)

 

  
Summary: In which Crowley coins a mixed metaphor, Adam makes it real, Aziraphale decides to keep it as a pet, and Crowley has a hard time explaining why he dislikes it.

Ingredients: One miniature pink rhinoceros, demonic issues of a pseudo-psychobabbly or somesuch nature, a dash of C/A, and a willingness to laugh yourself silly. Shake well and keep far away from small children and local livestock.  
Categories: [Slash Fanfic](browse.php?type=categories&catid=3), [Crack Fics](browse.php?type=categories&catid=9) Characters:  Aziraphale, Crowley, original character(s)  
Genres:  Humour  
Warnings:  Cracky, Language (mild), Angst (mild)  
Challenges:  
Series: None  
Chapters:  1 Completed: Yes  
Word count: 2260 Read: 344  
Published: 23 Feb 2010 Updated: 23 Feb 2010

Let's See What Freud Would Make Of THIS! by DehydratedWater

 

Author's Notes:

Disclaimer: Footnotes are fun. Playing with Crowley and Aziraphale is fun. But they're the property of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. I don't own them, but I do own Stewart the miniature pink rhinoceros. Repeatedly typing rhinoceros is also fun. Rhinoceros, rhinoceros, rhinoceros. Beware the undiluted amounts of pure ridiculousness contained in this story. I fell victim to several bouts of wild giggle fits just writing it. Also, this story is dedicated to my roommate, who helped me by explaining the general mindset of a rhinoceros (though she doesn't know what I'm using the info for outside of the mental exercise I described to her) and was suffering from a nasty case of rhinovirus (or common cold if you want to spoil my whimsy) as I was writing this. Also: finding substitutes for non-working superscript numerals? Not fun.

Crowley was certain that this would never have happened if Adam had just gone to the angel for the definition of ineffability instead of asking him. Having been a demon for so long- and therefore completely detached from Up There and all its doings*- his first impulse was to simply say that he didn't know, but that fact that this was Adam meant that option just wasn't going to cut it. So he moved on to the next available option, which was "Find some sort of pseudo-psychobabbly or somesuch near-equivalent with which to fake a decent answer and then send him Aziraphale's way to correct the kid on all the bits you got wrong"?. After a bit of thinking, he decided the closest he could come up with was the "forget about it until it goes away" concept he'd been using quite often in the days after Armageddidn't?. But how to explain it so he'd understand?

"Well," he muttered as he pushed up his sunglasses, "it's this thing that's hard to understand, or really even explain. But you don't question it. You just _don't_. And you don't think about it, or even _try_ to think about it. Like... like a pink rhinoceros in the room?."

"A pink rhinoceros?" exclaimed Adam. "Cool! I wonder what one would look like?"

Just then Crowley was distracted from the excited and slightly manic look in Adam's eyes by the sudden sensation of Something Starting To Be. Dog dove under the sofa as Crowley dove behind it, dragging Adam with him. He couldn't help but wonder how agreeing against his better judgement to accompany Aziraphale on a babysitting stint to Lower Tadfield could have ever resulted in... well, _this!_ Then said angel- who had been in the kitchen attempting and perhaps even succeeding at actual miracleless cooking- burst into the room unaware of exactly what was going on, causing a suddenly worried demon to jump up from where he'd been crouched.

"Zira!" he shouted. "Stop! It's dangerous!"

It was right around that point that Something Starting To Be became Something Full-On Being. However, the room had a distinct lack of full-grown, rampaging pink rhinoceros- or even an irate baby pink rhinoceros- causing any sort of destruction. Looking around, he finally spotted it standing in the middle of the floor. It was indeed an adult rhinoceros, of the same nauseating shade of pink ironically associated with certain anti-nausea medicines, but it was... cat-sized. For some reason, Crowley felt insulted. Aziraphale soon followed his gaze down to the confused chibi creature.

"Oh!" exclaimed the angel. "How cute!"

Cute? _Cute?_ His mixed-metaphor-made-real was _**CUTE?!**_ Crowley felt like he was going to either discorporate from embarrassment or pass out. He was rather disappointed when neither happened. This was just perfect! Why not go for a trifecta, with the bloody kid stereotypically asking asking to keep it?

The expected stereotype was trounced upon when Aziraphale continued on to say, "Maybe I could keep it as a pet..."

Crowley was very grateful for the fact that this time he actually did pass out.

______________  
* Except for whatever info or gossip he received from Aziraphale due to The Arrangement. And his rather frequent interactions with Aziraphale, of course, though lately he'd been so out of sorts that he'd even flat-out deny the existence of The Agreement under pressure.  
? It is quite amazing how many humans follow a similar train of thought when in very similar situations. Most end with "Ask your mother/father".  
? In his head, Crowley had coined several nicknames for the event. One of those nicknames was shockingly filthy, and someday when he really needed a good laugh, Crowley planned to tell that particular one to Aziraphale^.  
^ His plan involved telling the angel over the phone while he watched from a relatively safe distance away with a pair of the latest in state-of-the-art high-tech binoculars, so he could both enjoy Aziraphale's reaction and escape an immediate smiting.  
? Crowley would later admit that the reason he'd mixed the metaphor instead of choosing a pink elephant was because he'd been sober at the time and didn't want to do that particular stereotype injustice. The fact that the elephant in the room being pink would have mixed the metaphor anyway completely escaped him.  
______________

Later at the bookshop...

"I still don't see why you'd want to keep the bloody thing," Crowley grumbled as he glared at the creature, which had finally gotten over the confusion it had experienced in its unexpected transition from purely mental to suddenly physical and was now firmly and comfortably settled into the general rhinoceros mindset of overall crankiness?.

"Well, it'd be nice to have a pet," replied Aziraphale. "You have your houseplants, after all."

"That's entirely different and you know it."

"The concept's still the same. And it wouldn't be quite so different if you took better care of your plants. Now... what should we name him?"

"Ssssstew," Crowley hissed as he considered ways to get rid of it that would leave as little evidence as possible.

"Now, really, my dear! Is that any way to treat a living creature? Not to mention an endangered species! Although Stewart does have a nice ring to it."

"Of courssse it'sss endangered, ssstupid! It sssshouldn't even exsssissssst!"

Crowley turned to sneer at the rhino, stopping in surprise as he saw the the rhino was already sneering at him. Then he redoubled his sneering efforts because he'd be blessed if he was going to be out-sneered by a miniature pink rhinoceros.

"Crowley, Stewart!" snapped Aziraphale. "Stop that, please! I have yet to figure out what to feed Stewart, so there's really no need for this sort of trouble as well."

"You honestly think mixed metaphors need to eat?" growled Crowley. "Since you're so dead set on keeping it... I don't know, miracle up some miniature pink savanna grass or something. And a big bloody lot of newspaper, since there'll be rhino droppings everywhere."

And with that, he stormed out of the bookshop, determined to put as much space between him and the newly-dubbed Stewart as possible.

______________  
? This particular general mindset, ironically, also happens to be common among most feral cats and quite a few domesticated ones.  
______________

As the Bentley sped down various streets, Crowley seethed. His foul mood caused traffic lights to burn out and various minor accidents to occur behind him without his even being aware of them. It wasn't that Crowley entirely hated the mixed-metaphor-made-real. He just didn't feel comfortable with Aziraphale keeping it as a pet. Or at all. It should never have been made real, never have been ripped out of his mind, where it was easy to just shove it in a mental corner and forget about it. But now it was here, it wasn't going to go away, and the only way he was going to be able to avoid what it represented was to stop going to the bookstore altogether. Unless the angel started doing something even more stupid, like taking it for walks or carrying it around in a bloody man-purse. Crowley shuddered?. The thought of "Aziraphale plus man-purse" seemed as unnatural to him as what the metaphor represented. Oh, He- Hea- Milton Keynes! Stewart wasn't even here, and he was thinking about it! This was just great, just swell, just lo- super! Really, really fucking super!

Crowley slammed on the brakes and finally noticed the raging thunderstorm going on outside. Now there was something more fitting of representing the issue at hand, not that little pink insult that Aziraphale had called cute. A big, booming, bloody impressive storm fit for the big issue he was- or rather, really didn't want to deal with. Not that a full-grown rhino wouldn't have been just as impressive. Then again, he could picture Aziraphale trying to walk a full-grown pink rhinoceros through Soho and not caring about the strange looks people gave him. To Aziraphale it was just another one of God's creatures and not a mixed metaphor and... the issue... it... represented...

But that wasn't exactly true, now was it? Aziraphale had been there when it had Come Into Being, so he was at least vaguely aware that it was more than just a rhinoceros that happened to be of an unusual size and color. But Crowley'd been a rather dab hand at dealing with what the metaphor represented when it hadn't been real... oh, who was he kidding?! Copious amounts of alcohol consumed alone in the privacy of his flat just to make sure the "forget about it until it goes away" concept worked, along with the fact that trying to explain the concept had resulted in a mixed metaphor which had then become real and would definitely not be forgotten about with any amount of booze, were sure signs that he could not continue dealing with this in this manner! Seriously! A miniature pink rhinoceros! All because he couldn't handle the fact that he, Anthony J. Crowley, was impossibly in lo-

No, why not admit it?! **IN LOVE! IN BLOODY, FUCKING LOVE!** With an absolute lack of blood and the completely undemonic desire to wait a bit before trying anything in the area of fucking! And now the object of his desires was keeping the mixed-metaphor-made-real which represented this whole big emotional mess... based on the opinion that it was cute...

Aziraphale was openly admitting that he _liked_ something that was his... that was practically a part of him... it was kind of, sort of, in a way, stand-on-your-head-and-squint-really-hard him and Aziraphale LIKED it...

Gas pedal. U-turn. Realization that sudden gridlock caused by inexplicably non-functional traffic lights and various minor accidents being cleared away may be related to him. Decision that he doesn't give a damn as gridlock unlocks and the Bentley speeds back towards Soho.

______________  
? Having had that mental image lamentably inserted into your minds, I'm sure many of you have just shuddered as well. My sincerest apologies.  
______________

Crowley tried to make as dramatic an entrance as he could, but the bell over the bookshop's entrance tinkled in a way that hinted at a refusal with having anything to do in the way of dramatic. The mood he'd been hoping to achieve was further ruined by another problem.

"Zira," he growled out as he sidestepped a pink blur, "the rhino is trying to gore my ankle."

"Now really, my dear," said Aziraphale as he picked up Stewart, "I don't see why you and Stewart can't at least _try_ to be civil to each other."

Crowley was amazed that he could keep a straight face as Stewart snuggled into the angel's arms and then shot him a look that clearly stated "You are an utterly daft git". It was quite possible that he hadn't kept any sort of straight face at all and Aziraphale had either failed to notice or simply decided not to comment. Whatever the case, it took a while for Crowley's brain to wrench itself away from the impossibility of a rhinoceros of any size doing something like snuggling and back to reality.

"That's what I came back to talk to you about, Zira," Crowley finally said. "I've _been_ dealing, and not dealing, and not even _wanting_ to deal with that bloody thing long before it was even corporeal!"

"Crowley, you're not making any sense!"

"Just listen to me, Aziraphale! It's not really about Stewart, and it never has been!"

Crowley only had enough time to wonder why Aziraphale had set Stewart down before he felt the angel's fist connect with his jaw and his head snap back. Rubbing the sore spot, all he could do was stare and wonder where his sunglasses had been knocked to.

"I'm sorry about that," Aziraphale said as he shook the ache out of his hand, "but this is just too much! Now you're going to tell me just what your deal is, and you're going to tell me right now!"

And there it was. Time to just cut to the heart of the matter and tell Aziraphale the outright and unavoidable truth. But how to explain it so he'd understand?

Crowley immediately decided that pushing Aziraphale up against the wall and kissing him was the best option.

The slightly awkward, notably-enthusiastic-on-Crowley's-part, and not-entirely-unreciprocated-on-Aziraphale's-part snogfest was quickly interrupted by the sudden sensation of Something Full-On Being Changing Into Something Full-On Being Something Else. They looked over and saw that Stewart was no longer a rhinoceros, but rather an actual cat-sized cat. He was, however, still pink`.

"I wonder why that happened?" asked Aziraphale.

"Beats me," Crowley replied with a shrug. "I'm not a shrink. Honestly, I'm just glad he changed into a house cat and not a panther?."

______________  
` Said pinkness later being explained to the occasional curious customer by the discovery, purchase, and addition into the front window display of a coffee table book entitled Why Paint Cats. (This is an actual book that exists in real life, which just goes to show you some of the things humans are actually willing to do under certain circumstances.)  
? Sometime later on, Crowley and Aziraphale would watch a marathon of Pink Panther movies (both the originals and the remakes) together and come to the joint conclusion that Inspector Clouseau is a very decent metaphor for humanity in general. That is another story for another time- and not as interesting a story as this one, since all it involves is a demon, an angel, and a pink cat watching movies at said demon's flat.  
______________

 

  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://library.good-omens.net/viewstory.php?sid=465>


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